OMFG
by SoManyNights-x
Summary: Hermione gets cosmetic surgery. How will Ron react? RonxHermione & MILD HarryxNeville in later chapters. Rated M for crude humor and high level coarse language...R&R plz kthnx.
1. PART I: Aeomeba face!

"OH MY FUCKING GOD, HERMIONE! WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR FACE?!" yelled Ron.

"I just got a little bit of work done at the hospital wing. What do you think?" said Hermione.

"It's fucking HORRIBLE, Hermione! What the fuck were you thinking?! You're too fucking ugly now!

YOU'RE DROPPED!" said Ron.

Hermione started crying.

"FUCK OFF, RON!" she screamed.

"WHY DON'T YOU MAKE ME, BITCH?!" shouted Ron.

"Okay, I will!" said Hermione.

And she pulled a pistol out of her robes and shot five bullets into Ron's head.

"OW!" said Ron.

And then he died.

Suddenly, Harry came running down the hallway.

"WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR FACE, HERMIONE?! AND WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO RON?!" he said.

"I've killed him, Harry. I had to. He didn't like my new 'face-lift'." said Hermione.

"You didn't have to get a face lift! Ron already loved you for who you were." said Harry.

"Well fuck, it's too late now. Madam Pomfrey said she's not going to be able to undo this. Oh yeah and I killed Ron. But I didn't do this for Ron, I did this for me. I was an ugly single-celled organism trapped in the body of a bushy-haired ugmo." said Hermione.

Harry yawned.

"Why don't you tell somebody that cares, amoeba face." said Harry. "Why don't you go and talk to Neville about this? I'm sure he'd like it. Really like it. He gets turned on by amoebas, he tells me. Bye."

And he ran off as fast as he could because Hermione's face was making him nauseous.

Hermione thought about talking to Neville. It would be the perfect chance to make Ron jealous. Even though he was dead. And the contents of his skull were splattered across the walls of the hallway.

"I'll do it!" Hermione finally said aloud.

"Do what?" said Draco Malfoy.

"Flirt with Neville." said Hermione.

"Are you cereal?" said Draco. "What's Neville got that I haven't?!"

"An overbite." said Hermione, smiling. " I find overbites so sxy."

"Hmph!" said Draco. And he stormed away in a manner resembling Aaron J.

So Hermione went to the Gryffindor common room to go and flirt with Neville Longbottom.

It didn't take long for Hermione to find him; he was sitting near the window trying to spot that magic chair

with wings that is featured in a large number of Enid Blyton's 'novels'.

"Hi, Neville." said Hermione jiggling the giant amoeba that was attached to her face, for that was the single-cell organism equivalent of batting one's eyelids.

"Wooh, you look HOT, Hermione! I LOVE what you've stuck to your face! It's a great look for you!" said Neville.

"Why thankyou…" said Hermione, jiggling her amoeba again.

Neville didn't say anything else for ten minutes. He was hypnotised by Hermione's jiggling amoeba.

Suddenly, Ron's ghost appeared out of thin air. It looked extremely angry.

"YOU SLUT!!!" said Ron's ghost. "YOU FUCKING SLUT!!! WHAT'S HE GOT THAT I HAVE'NT?!"

"An overbite." Said Hermione, smiling. "I find overbites so sexy."

"And I find amoebas so sexy." said Neville.

"Yeah, Harry told me that they turn you on."

"HE WHAT?!" said Neville. "I'LL KILL HIM!!!"

"Oh, not another fucking death today!" said Ron's ghost. "Mr. Grim Reaper won't be happy. He's getting too fucking old for this he says--"

"For god's sake Ron, stop swearing so much!" said Hermione

"Kay then...bye." said Ron's ghost.

"Where was I?" said Neville. "Oh yeah... I'LL KILL HARRY!!!"

"No you won't!" said Hermione.

"Okay, whatever you say. Just jiggle that amoeba for me again." said Neville.

"Okay then." said Hermione.

And she jiggled her amoeba.

"Oooh, that's nice. Work it girrl!!"


	2. PART II: Bitch fight in the common room!

"OH MY FUCKING GOD, HERMIONE!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" said Harry (he had just come back from quidditch pracitce, covered on mud).

"Jiggling my amoeba for Neville since he likes it so much." said Hermione.

"HARRY! YOU TOLD HERMIONE THAT OEMEBAS TURN ME ON! I'LL KILL YOU!!!"said Neville.

"Oh no you won't, biatch!" said Harry, and he jumped on his broom and flew up to the ceiling of the common room.

Neville grabbed a poker from next to the fireplace and jumped onto a table, trying to get at Harry.

"I think I'll go now. I've got nearly headless Nick's fucking deathday party to go to." said Ron's ghost. "Bye!"

"Bye Ron." said Hermione.

Harry made to fly to the opposite end of the common room, but Neville got the back of

Harry's broom with the fire poker and a few of the bristles fell out.

Then Harry got angry.

Very Angry.

"YOU BASTARD!!! HOW DARE YOU DING MY RIDE!!! YOU'RE A FUCKING PSYCHO, YOU KNOW THAT?!?!?!?!!!!" said Harry.

"I'm bored. I'm going to go and read a book. Call me if you need me, fucktards…" said Hermione.

She walked over to the common room bookshelf, got a nice big seventh-year textbook, and had to duck from a flying vase on her way to her favourite chair by the fireplace.

Harry and Neville were still trying to kill each other. Both of them were bleeding from the face. They were shouting alot.

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! WILL YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP!!?!?!?!!!" yelled Hermione. "I'M TRYING TO READ HERE!"

Hermione pulled her wand out of her robes and shot a "STUPEFY" at Harry and Nevilleand they both froze.

Hermione then decided to go and see Hagrid to b about Harry and Ron. She was walking across the grass when she ran into Draco.

"Hi, Draco." said Hermione.

"Hmph!" hmphed Draco.

"Fine! Be that way!" said Hermione, and she continued walking to Hagrid's hut.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! OH MY FING GOD!!!" said Hagrid.

"WHAT THE F HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR FACE HERMIONE?!?!?!!!

"I got some work done at the hospital wing. Do you like it?" said Hermione.

"Like it? I LOVE it! The colour SO goes with your shirt!!" said Hagrid rather excitedly.

"Why thankyou!" said Hermione. "But what happened to your hideous speech impairment?"

"I went to a speech therapist! Isn't that fab!?" said Hagrid.

"Finally!" said Hermione.

"I know, yeah?!" said Hagrid. "So would you like a cup of tea?"

"Nah, got any vodka?" said Hermione.

"No, sorry, fresh out. But I've got some flat coca-cola..." said Hagrid.

"That'll do." said Hermione.

"So... what did you come and see me for, girlfriend?" said Hagrid.

"Oh, I've come to b about Ron and Harry and everyone. Ron didn't like my new face so

I had to kill him. Sad really. I've got a plan to make his ghost jealous by flirting with Neville.

Apparently he gets turned on by amoebas." said Hermione.

"Him and me both!" said Hagrid. "I love the way your amoeba jiggles when you speak!"

"Ugh... I think I'll be leaving now, Hagrid." said Hermione.

"Aww... can't you stay a little bit longer? Please?" said Hagrid.

"No." said Hermione, and she got up from her chair and walked rather swiftly out of the door.

"Bye, dahling!" Hagrid shouted after her.

By the time Hermione got back to the castle, it was completely dark.

Suddenly, Harry and Neville jumped out of the bushes. They were still viciously fighting.

They had blood all over them. Or was it tomato sauce? Anyway, they jumped out of the bushes and fell on the ground next to Hermione. Neville was now trying to stab Harry's face with his wand.

"You guys are so stoopid! You've forgotten that you're both wizards. Well, one of you is." said Hermione.

"SHUDDUP!!!" shouted Harry, who was fighting off Neville with some sort of delicious shiny thing coming out of his wand.

"You are being so silly! said Hermione "Harry just apologise to Neville for f's sake!"

"Only if you give me two sickles!" said Harry.

"NEVILLE! Gimme two sickles, and make it quick!" Hermione said to Neville.

"FUCK AWF, 'ERMIONE!" screeched Neville.

Hermione sighed and jiggled her amoeba.

"Oooh..." said Neville completely frozen in some sort of trance, staring at Hermione's jiggling amoeba.

"Two sickles, Neville." commanded Hermione. "Now."

"Okey Dokey!" said Neville and passed two sickles out of his pocket to Hermione, who passed them too Harry.

"I'm sorry Neville, dahling." said Harry to Neville, widening his eyes and pouting trying to look cute.

"That's okay, dahling." said Neville.

"There, that's better!" said Hermione.

"TIME FOR DINNER!!!!!!!!!" screamed Harry, unexpectedly.


	3. PART III: Bitch fight in the Great Hall!

"OH MY FUCKING GOD, HARRY! WAHT DID YOU SAY?!" Hermione screamed at Harry.

"I said it's time for dinner." said Harry.

"Well let's go then." said Harry quietly.

"ALRIGHTY!!" said Neville.

So Hermione, Harry and Neville went through the entrance hall into the great hall and walked up to the Gryffindor table. It was roast artichoke for dinner.

"YUMMY!!" roared Neville.

He quickly sat down, and started shoving cutlery into his mouth.

"GO, MAN, GO!" screamed Harry.

"What the fuck?!" exclaimed Hermione.

"That's ma man!" said Harry.

"What in the world have you two been smoking?!" said Hermione.

"MARIJUANA, of course." said Harry.

Harry and Hermione sat down next to Neville at the Gryffindor table. Neville had finished shoving cutlery into his mouth. He was now sculling pumpkin juice straight out of the jug.

Harry was roaring with laughter.

"He's drinking pumpkin juice!!" he said, "Oh my fucking god, that's so FUNNY!!!!"

"Erm...where did you get the weed from?" Hermione asked Harry. Harry had calmed down now. Neville had finished drinking the pumpkin juice.

"You know the bush that me and Neville were fighting in?" said Harry, "It was a pot bush!"

Harry and Neville both burst out laughing, and then Neville shoved a goblet into his mouth.

Then Hermione started laughing too. Harry was getting hysterical.

Neville spat the goblet out of his mouth and it flew across the great hall towards the Slytherin table.

Hermione and Neville stopped laughing.

"Oh shit..." she said quietly.

Harry was still laughing hysterically.

The goblet hit Draco Malfoy right between the eyes.

"OW!" yelled Draco. "WHO THE FUCK THREW THAT?!"

"I SAPATTIT ATCHOO!!!" screamed Neville, in slurred words.

He was now blind drunk, god only knows how.

"YOU FUCKI BITCH!!" Draco screeched back at Neville.

But Neville just laughed.

"DON'T YOU CALL MA MAN A FUCKI BITCH, YOU FUCKI BITCH!!" Harry roared through his hysterical laughter. He went over to the Slytherin table and shoved Draco in the chest.

"FIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!!" yelled Percy Weasley.

And it was on. A huge crowd gathered around Harry and Draco.

"You're goin' down!" said Draco.

But Harry was too busy laughing hysterically to hear what Draco said.

Draco moved in for the nipple crunch.

Harry stopped laughing.

"EEEEEEEEEK!!" he screamed.

And then he fainted.

"WIMP!!" shouted Neville.

The crowd around Harry and Neville seperated and returned to their seats.

"What a gyp!" said Percy Weasley.


	4. PART IV: Revenge is sweeter than honey!

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Harry, Neville, Ron's ghost and all the other Gryffindor boys were fast asleep in their dormitory. But, little did they know, Hermione was going to pull a massive prank on them.

"Fufufuuffuu..." said Hermione as she climbed the stairs to the boy's dormitory, lugging behind her a ten litre tub of capilano brand honey on a trolley.

"I'll show them!" Thought Hermione, "I'll pay them back for embarrassing me today! Fufufufuufufufufufufu..." she said again.

**...THE.FOLLOWING.MORNING...**

It was about six in the morning, and still dark, when Neville awoke.

He sat up in his bed and yawned. He began to run his fingers through his hair, but had to stop halfway. There was something sticky in his hair! Neville felt around the back of his head.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!" Neville screamed. "MY PILLOW IS STUCK TO MY HEAD WITH HONEY!!!"

Harry groaned and poked his head out of the drapes that were around his bed.

"Oh my god Neville! It's great how you've got stuff on your head and junk, but I wanted to sleep so yeah..." Harry said groggily.

Ron's ghost was still snoring.

"Sorry..." said Neville, and he gently tugged at the pillow on the back of his head. "Owww!"

"Ugnn...I'm thirsty..." mumbled Harry.

He went over to the water jug near the window of the dormitory, but was stopped halfway by a pitfall trap.

He fell into a big hole in the floor that was filled with fish eyes.

"EEEEEEWWW!!!" shrieked Harry.

Neville was still struggling with the pillow on the back of his head.

Ron's ghost woke up.

"What's going on here??" he said.

"FUCK OFF!" Neville and Harry said in unison.

(A/N: That was from the movie "You and your stupid mate")

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	5. PART V: Amoeba face mark 2!

**...THE.NEXT.DAY...**

"OH MY FUCKING GAWD, HERMIONE!! DID YOU PUT THAT SHIT IN OUR ROOM LAST NIGHT???!!!" Harry screeched at Hermione.

"Noo…" Hermione said.

"'Kay…" said Harry.

**...LATER...**

"That fucking bitch!" Harry bitched to Neville, "she's fucking lying! She sooooo put all that shit in our room to get us back for embarrassing her!"

"Well, it's only fair….that shit we did yesterday was pretty tight…." Neville said cautiously.

"IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR!!" Harry yelled, "We have to get her back….and I know just the thing…."

**...THAT.EVENING...**

Hermione was surfing the net on a PC she had stolen from the Dick Smith's Electronics Hogsmade branch.

She went to Google and typed in: "Resurrection spells".

A website came up: " clicked the link and read the spell, taking notes on what she needed.

"Perfect…" she said with an evil grin on her [st face [/st amoeba.

**...THE.NEXT.MORNING.AT.BREAKFAST...**

"OH MY FUCKING GOD, HARRY!! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR FACE??!!" Hermione yelled at Harry across the Gryffindor table.

"I got a little work done at the hospital wing." Harry replied, completely calm, "What do you think?"

"YOU FUCKING POSER!!!" Hermione screeched in outrage.

"I think it's sexy…" Neville said seductively.

He leant over and kissed Harry on the amoeba that was attached to Harry's face with sticky-tape.

Hermione was disgusted.

"Ew…Look, I'm outta here," she said, pushing away her Coco-Pops and getting up from her seat, "I've gotta go talk to Hagrid."

Neither Harry nor Neville responded.

**...AT.HAGRID'S.HUT...**

Hermione knocked on the door.

It opened to reveal Hagrid, who had stuck loads of butterfly clips in his tangled black hair.

"Hay dahling! What's up??" he said.

"Harry got an amoeba attached to his face…" Hermione said glumly.

"Girl talk!" Hagrid said excitedly, "come in and have a cuppa tea, girlfriend!"

"Okay…"

Hermione walked into the hut. Hagrid put the kettle on the fire and sat down at the table with Hermione.

"OK spill!" Said hagrid.

"Yeahso…HARRY COPIED ME! He's such a fucking poser!!" Hermione said angrily.

"There, there, dahling…there's no need to get upset!" Hagrid said as he pat Hermione on the back, "You know plagiarism is the highest compliment!"

"No fucking way! Fuck off!" Hermione yelled, and she stormed out of Hagrid's hut.

She spent the rest of the day sulking in her dormitory, that is until ten to midnight, when she would perform the resurrection spell….!


	6. PART VI: Satanism time!

WARNING! THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS A LAME SATANIC RITUAL (AND ANIMAL CRUELTY)!

That night, at ten minutes to midnight, Hermione snuck out the window of her dormitory, with her school bag containing the piece of paper where she had written the resurrection spell and a stainless-steel knife she had nicked from the school's kitchens.

(rofflecoptar! She was gonna bring Ron bak from da dead….!)

She walked across the grounds. The only sound was her feet crunching frozen blades of grass with every step.

The full moon was shining in the sky, covering the grounds in white light.

A warewolf howled.

"OH SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Hermione shouted angrily.

She walked into the forbidden forest and went into the deepest, darkest bit. It was pitch black.

"Lumos," Hermione said, and the tip of her wand illuminated the small clearing she was in.

She put down her bag, and took out the piece of paper. She scanned the paper, her eyes narrowed.

"Oh, FUCK!" she exclaimed, "I'm missing an animal sacrifice….hm….one of Hagrid's chooks should do…"

She stuffed the paper in her overcoat pocket and walked out of the forest towards Hagrid's hut. She approached the chicken coop and jumped the fance.

She landed awkwardly, knocking over a water trough.

"SHIT!!!"

She heard movement inside the hut, and she stood completely still.

The back door of the hut opened, revealing a night-time Hagrid, complete with frilly night-gown and hair-curlers. He was holding a lantern.

"Hermione dahling! Is that you?" he said, squinting.

"Yeah….uh….I'm just pinching one of your chooks for an animal sacrifice!" Hermione replied.

"Okay, sweetie! Just be careful you don't get your clothes dirty…blood stains are a nightmare…" said Hagrid, and he disappeared back into his hut.

"Right…" said Hermione quietly.

She went over to the coop and grabbed one of the sleeping chickens. For some reason, its sleep was not disturbed. Probably 'coz it was stoned…

Hermione ran back into the Forbidden Forest, and back to the clearing where she had left her bag.

She was now ready to perform the ritual! C: 

Hermione took out her wand and drew a satanic pentagram in the dirt. The lines that her wand had drawn glowed red WITH THE EEVIL OF SATANN!!!

She took the stainless-steel knife out of her schoolbag, and started to sharpen it. The sound woke the chicken, and it started buk-buking madly, so Hermione had to stand on its leg to stop it from running away.

She finished sharpening the knife, and held the struggling chicken down in the middle of the pentagram.

She cut its head off….

Then it caught on fire.

Then Ron was there.

'N he was a ZOMBIE!! lykomgwtfbbq!!

(A/N: Oh yeahh, I'm so fucking 1337!)


End file.
